923 The One In Barbados – Part 1
[Scene: Central Perk]
Joey: (entering) Hey! I’m all packed and ready to go!
Ross: Oh, that’s right! (to Emma) Daddy and uncle Joey are going on a trip today. We’re going to a conference in Barbados, right?
Ross: (to Emma) Can you say Barbados?
Ross: Ok, I gotta say. I mean, it means so much to me that you guys are coming all the way over there to hear me do my speech! UH! And I’ve a surprise, uh… I had to pull some strings but I was able to get everyone passes to the entire conference! That’s right! (he gives them their passes) This babies will get you into all the paleontology lectures and seminars.
Rachel: Do you have anything that would… get us out of them?
Chandler: Yeah Ross, I mean… we’re excited to hear the speech but the rest of the time we’re gonna wanna do, you know, “island’s stuff”.
Phoebe: I think David would probably wanna hear a few lectures.
Ross: Oh, right, because he’s a scientist!
Phoebe: No, no, because, you know, he’s been in Minsk for 8 years and if he gets too much direct sunlight, he’ll die.
Ross: Ok, we gotta go, yeah? So, we’ll see you guys tomorrow.
Joey: All right, let’s do it! 5 hour flight with Charlie, have a couple of drinks, get under that blanket and do what comes naturally.
Ross: It’s a blanket Joe, not a cloak of invisibility!
[Scene: Paradise Hotel lounge in Barbados]
Charlie: Wow! This place is beautiful!
Ross: (very excited) Look at all these paleontologists!!
Joey: I know, there are gonna be some pasty folks by the pool tomorrow! (A woman goes towards them)
Woman: Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re here!
Joey: (to Charlie) I think I’ve been recognized, this happens all the time!
Woman: Doctor Geller, I’m such a huge fan!
Joey: That… never happens…
Woman: I’ve been following your career for years, I-I can’t wait for your keynote speech.
Ross: Wow! This is very flattering, uh…
Woman: I would love your autograph. (hands him a notepad)
Ross: Uh, uh… Sure! Um… “Dear…” (he takes the notepad)
Ross: “… Sarah. I dig you”, Uh? “Doctor Ross Geller”.
Sarah: Thank you so much!
Ross: Yeah, oh and Sarah… I’d like to introduce you to my colleague, uh, Professor Wheeler, a-and this is Joey Tribbiani.
Sarah: (to Joey) Are you a paleontologist?
Joey: No, God, no! No! No no, I’m an actor. You’d probably recognize me from a little show called “The Days of Our Lives”.
Ross: Dude, it’s just “Days of Our Lives”… there’s no the.
Joey: (thinking he’s kidding) Ok, Ross! It’s… It’s fun, yeah! No, I-I play Doctor Drake Ramoray.
Sarah: I’m sorry, I don’t own a TV.
Joey: You don’t own a TV? What’s all your furniture pointed at??
[Scene: Central Perk]
Monica: David, can you help me?! I’m trying to explain to Chandler how a plane stays in the air.
David: Oh, certainly. That’s a combination of Bernoulli’s principle and Newton’s third law of motion.
Monica: (to Chandler) See?
Chandler: Yeah, that’s the same as “it has something to do with wind”.
Monica: Alright, I’m gonna go pick up a few things for the trip.
Phoebe: Oh, I should go, too. Oh, now… tomorrow do you guys wanna share a cab to the airport or should Mike and I just meet you there.
(Everyone looks at her)
Phoebe: Mike?? Who’s Mike?
David: Mike is your ex… uh… boyfriend!
Phoebe: That’s right! Oh, yeah… Well, I’ve totally forgotten about im! AH! That’s-That’s… a blast from the past!
David: It’s ok. Ho-honest mistake.
Phoebe: Really, it doesn’t mean anything. I mean, you know, Monica refers to Chandler as Richard all the time!
Chandler: (upset) She does?
Monica: (pinching her) Let’s get you out of here!! (they go outside)
(Outside the Central Perk)
Monica: At least you took me down with you!
Phoebe: I’m sooo sorry!! I just… I keep thinking about Mike! I’m crazy about David, and we’re having so much fun together. Why-Why do I miss Mike? That’s-that’s gonna go away, right?
Monica: I guess, in time.
Monica: I mean, my feelings for Richard are certainly gone.
Phoebe: You just did it again. Chandler, your feelings for Chandler are certainly gone!
[Scene: Inside Central Perk]
David: (to Chandler) Well, Phoebe’s still pretty hung up on that Mike, uh?
Chandler: I wouldn’t read too much into it.
David: Still you know, a girl calls you by your ex-boyfriend’s name, that-that’s not a good thing, right?
Chandler: David, let me stop you there ’cause I think I see where this is going. I’m not very good at giving advice. So if you want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or… Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when you pee.
David: Sorry, I just… I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe…
Chandler: Seriously, we’re gonna do this?
David: I’m sorry, uh… I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know… Why did Phoebe and Mike break up?
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I’m sorry, that’s the kind of thing I do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn’t want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you’d be open to marriage?
David: That’s great! That’s great! I-I’ll propose to her!
David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point.
Chandler: I didn’t mean now…
David: Why not? It’s brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we’ll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well, we probably won’t invite you to the wedding… (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
Chandler: Well, you’re welcome! Glad I could help.
David: (after a while) How do you think I should propose?
Chandler: David, I’m pretending to read here!!
[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]
(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)
Joey: Yeah! How you doin’? Yeah alright!
(Charlie comes out the bathroom)
Joey: Hey, hey! You said you’re gonna wear a thong, where’s the thong?
Charlie: (laughing) I didn’t mean a thong… I meant thongs…
Joey: You really should have been more clear about that!
(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)
Ross: (Excited) You’re never going to guess who I just saw downstairs!
Joey: Oh! ah! eh… Britney Spears!?
Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!
Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him?
Ross: Yeah… what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz?
Joey: You could say: “Hey Kenny, how come you’re not Britney Spears?” (looks at Ross matter-of-factly)
Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go?
Joey: Wha…? You’re gonna go now? I thought we could hang out?
Charlie: Oh I can’t… I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech.
Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.
Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong?
Charlie: I will if you will.
Joey: Oh… you got yourself a very weird deal!
Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I’m good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).
Charlie: So you’ll be ok?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. I’ve got tons of stuff I could do. I’m gonna hit the beach, go swimming…
Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside?
Joey: No, why?
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it’s raining outside)
Joey: Oh man!
Charlie: There’s an indoor pool, you can swim there! (Ross agrees)
Joey: I wasn’t gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach from his backpack)
[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]
Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don’t know what’s gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? “I do” (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) “I do”.
Monica: Ok, I’m sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn’t you just have made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Monica: They’ve only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She’ll say “No”, David’s heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Chandler: Man, that’s some bad advice!
[Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.]
(Joey spots them and walks towards them)
Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!
Rachel: Hey! Hey what’s going on?
Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!
(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)
Rachel: Alright, I don’t wanna alarm anybody, but Monica’s hair is twice as big as it was when we landed!
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
Monica: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!
Chandler: That’s why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!
Joey: Come on, I’ll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!
Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with mirrors on the ceiling!
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn’t next to theirs (points to Phoebe).
Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it’s such a romantic place. That’s all, I just wish I could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.
Phoebe: Not Joey.
Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, right!
[Cut to the guys]
David: So, um… I’m proposing to Phoebe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the ring)
Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn’t an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!
David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn’t pay quite as well as you might think. That’s um… one seventieth of a karat. And the clarity is um… is quite poor.
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!
Monica: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to?
Chandler: That would be advice!!
Monica: Ok fine. I’ll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who’s talking to Rachel) Phoebe?
Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to you.
Phoebe: Are you leaving “The Supremes”? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)
MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight.
Phoebe: Wow? Really? That’s fantastic!
Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha… What about Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let’s just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle. I can just see it: “Mike, do you take Phoebe…” (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to shout “No! No!”) You know, it’s every girl’s dream!
Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?
Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike… David! David. I love David. Don’t look at me that way, Roseanne Rosannadanna!
[Scene: Ross’s hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]
Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.
Charlie: It’s great. You’re gonna be the hit of the conference.
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won’t be constantly interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it’s Joey, Rachel and Chandler).
Joey: Hey guys!
Ross: The chocolates aren’t here yet.
Charlie: Ross just read me his speech. It’s fantastic!
Chandler: Oh, is it on the computer, cuz I’d love to give it a read…?
Ross: If you want to check your email, just ask! (Chandler tries to look offended)
Chandler: (offended) What? (pause) May I?
Rachel: (looking out the window) What’s with the rain, Geller? I mean, when I signed up for Dino Week, nobody said anything about it being monsoon season.
Charlie: Actually the wet season is June to December.
Rachel: It’s not the time Charlie.
Chandler: (at the laptop) Oh, no, no, no dear God, no!
Joey: Oh what, did someone outbid you for the teapot? (Chandler looks annoyed at him and Joey leans in to him) Oh! Secret teapot?
Chandler: Your computer, I don’t know wha… everything’s gone!
Ross: Wha… what do you mean? (Goes to the laptop)
Chandler: It must be a virus. I think it erased your hard drive.
Ross: What, oh my God. What did you do?
Chandler: Someone I don’t know sent me an e-mail and I opened it.
Ross: Why, why would you open it?
Chandler: Well, it didn’t say “This is a virus”!!
Ross: What did it say?
Chandler: Nude… (Ross looks at him)… pictures of Anna Kournikova. I’m so sorry.
Ross: What… what am I gonna do? My speech is gone, Chandler!
Chandler: It’s not gone! I mean, I’m sure you printed out a copy. You have a hard copy, right?
Ross: NO! I don’t!!
Chandler: Well, you must be pretty mad at yourself right now…!
[Time lapse: Ross looks likes he’s been trying to fix his computer but just closes it as if giving up]
Joey: It’s really gone?
Ross: Yep! I’d like to thank you guys for coming down here to complain about the rain and ruin my career!
Chandler: I just feel awful.
Ross: Yeah, well you should! I mean, nude pictures of Anna Kournikova? I mean, she’s never even won a major tournament!
Chandler: Well, I tried Billy Jean King, but… (Ross glares at him) you know, you and Monica have the same “I’m gonna kill you” look…? I can usually make it go away by kissing her… (Ross continues to glare at him and Chandler leans in as if he’s going to kiss Ross)
Ross: Get out! (Chandler runs out)
Rachel: You know, this happens all the time to my computer at work.
Ross: Well, what do you do?
Rachel: Well, I usually go… play Tetris on somebody else’s computer.
Ross: I can’t believe this. I can’t believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?
Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.
Ross: I don’t think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!
Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We’ve got all night!
Ross: Wha… what you really think we can do that?
Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).
Joey: Hey don’t worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can.
Ross: Alright, ok, let’s do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Um, I know we start by discussing the shortcomings of carbon dating… um, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there’s the… eh… there’s the overview of the Triassic.
Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a “Galaxy far, far away”? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and Rachel decide to leave).
[Scene: Mike’s apartment. His phone rings and he picks up]
Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole “I never want to get married” thing and step up!
Mike: Who is this?
Monica: This is Monica! I’m Phoebe’s friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he’s going to propose to her, and she is going to say “yes” but I know she really wants to be with you!
Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He… he’s gonna propose?
Monica: I… I’m sorry, did you say something? I can’t hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away from the phone, in vain)
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I’m not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.
Monica: You don’t tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She’s at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while I’ve got you, you’ve got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!
(Chandler walks in)
Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you’re happy!
Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you’re happy too, honey!
Monica: Phoebe is going to say “Yes” to David. See, that’s what happens when you meddle in people’s lives!
Chandler: Phoebe is going to say “yes”? That’s, that’s great!
Monica: No it’s not, b’cause she’s still in love with Mike!
Chandler: And there’s not chance that will work?
Monica: No, I called him. It’s not gonna happen.
Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!
Monica: Well, if you hadn’t meddled to start with, I wouldn’t have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up – in the first place!
Chandler: This vacation sucks!!
[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]
Joey: I’m so bored! Stupid rain, we… we can’t do anything.
Rachel: Well, I’ve brought some books. We could read.
Joey: Hey, it hasn’t come to that yet.
(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray)
Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don’t mind if I do!
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)
Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention?
Rachel: We can’t. We’re not pharmacists!
Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it) I know we’re not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and… (picks up another badge) Eva Trorro… womba…
Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate Miller?
Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel’s breast)
Rachel: And… that’s the most sex I’m gonna have this weekend.
Joey: In that case should I make sure it’s on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it)
Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)
[Scene: Ross’s room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously]
Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century.
Ross: Yeah, that’s it?
Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly)
Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech.
Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in, and they look at each other for a moment) That’s a pretty necklace.
Charlie: Thank you.
Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)
Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don’t charge you.
Ross: Oh my God, I love you.
Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son… or just some kid whose picture you bring on vacation?
Ross: That’s Ben, my son from my first marriage.
Charlie: Your first marriage?
Charlie: You’re married more than once?
Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink)
Charlie: So, why did you break up?
Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was… it’s complicated, you know? She… she was… eh… gay.
Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool!
Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about!
Charlie: No, it’s just… I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!
Ross: Hey! High-five! (they high-five)
Charlie: Didn’t you feel so stupid that you didn’t see the signs? My fiancé was always going away on these long weekends with his tennis partner.
Ross: My wife had a workout friend she went to the gym with everyday for a year. She didn’t get any fitter.
Charlie: Right and then everybody finds out and they’re like: “Oh, I knew all along”
Ross: I know! It’s like, if you knew, why didn’t you tell me, you know? I mean, call, or leave a note: “Hi, I just dropped by to say your wife’s gay”
Charlie: I know!
Ross: And then, you try to make the best of a bad situation, so you float the idea of a threesome?
Charlie: I didn’t do that.
Ross: (embarassed) Me neither.
[Scene: the Pharmacist convention. Joey and Rachel are walking out of it, drinking cocktails]
Joey: Well, who knew? Pharmacists are fun.
Rachel: I know, that old lady at the end was ready to take you home.
Joey: Not enough pills in the world, Rach. What about you, you’re the single one, seen anybody in there you like?
Rachel: Well, let’s see. There was a really big guy that I was talking to, with the really nice breasts…
Joey: But what about back home, anything going on there? Anybody you like?
Rachel: (takes a sip from her drink, embarassed) No.
Joey: There it is, you’re blushing!
Rachel: No, I’m not blushing, I’m sunburnt! From, you know, the rain.
Joey: You like someone. Tell me who it is. Who is it? (tickles her a little)
Joey: Tell me who it is.
Rachel: Joey! (she walks away; Joey goes after her teasing and tickling her)
Joey: Come on who? Who do you like? Tell me. You’re not getting away that easy. Who do you like, who?
Rachel: Joey, come on! It doesn’t matter, you know, it’s not like anything’s gonna happen.
Joey: What? Why not? Rach, who can you not get?
Rachel: Oh! (pause) Ok. Ok, you really wanna know who it is?
Joey: (eagerly) Yeah, who is that?
Rachel: Do ya?
(Ross and Charlie walk into the hall from Ross’s room)
Ross and Charlie: Hey!
(Joey smiles at them. Rachel looks annoyed)
Charlie: (to Joey) I just left you a message! Ross and I were gonna go grab a bite, but now that you’re here, maybe we can go have that dinner.
Joey: Right, of course. Hey, did you guys finish the speech?
Ross: Yep, we got it, we got it. (To Charlie) Thank you so much.
Charlie: I had a great time.
Joey: Alright, hey look, and this isn’t over, because I really wanna know who…
Rachel: Later! La…
Charlie: So, shall we?
Joey: Yeah. (they leave)
Rachel: Ok. See you, bye.
Ross: Good night.
(Ross and Rachel watch them walk away and sigh. They look at each other, embarassed.)
Ross and Rachel: Ok, good night!